Are you angry today? Recall that many times the answer is yes, because anger is so common. This emotion changes your appearance every day to test you. Small anger is anger. You either vent it out or forget it after a few days. Some have been suppressed by reason into the subconscious, and will not die in silence, but will explode in silence. Some anger accumulates over time, to a certain extent, it can even evolve into hatred.
Who are we most likely to get angry with?
When it comes to getting angry, people are usually accustomed to watching people serve dishes without realizing it. First of all, we tend to lose our temper with the closest person, express anger without concealment, and do whatever we want. The closer we are, the less scrupulous we are. Everyone has negative emotions. However, we often wear a mask externally to take into account self-image and face issues. Even if we are unhappy in our hearts, we often remain silent in front of people, or express it politely, and seldom go straight.
One day, the child was throwing a ball in the house and accidentally touched the glass leaf of the lotus-shaped chandelier on the ceiling. The leaf fell to pieces in an instant. Hearing the sound, his father ran over to see that his most precious art chandelier was so mutilated. He glared at him, snatched the ball from the child, and roared bitterly: "What are you doing? Don't play anymore!" The child was frightened at a loss. Afterwards, I asked his dad: If your colleague came to the house to be a guest, play games with the child, and accidentally broke your chandelier, would you yell like this? He did not answer me. I explained: "I think your sad and regretful emotions should be greater than anger, and you will pretend to comfort your colleagues easily-it's okay, don't take it to your heart; another voice will convince yourself-if it breaks, it will be broken. It’s already like this, and it’s safe every year. Right? Next time you want to be angry with your child, you can think about it from another angle. If a friend or colleague did something like this, how would you think and how would you react?”
Secondly, we it is easy for a stranger to anger, based not know each other, we tend to strangers behavior is interpreted as for the "I", so " little me " immediately hairs erect, trembling spirit of self-defense up, put a copy of the People are not a bully posture.
"Road rage" is a typical wanton venting of emotions when interacting with strangers. The driving environment satisfies many conditions that make people angry. On the one hand, the emotional state of the person is moderate or high when driving. Even if the vehicle in front makes a simple behavior of changing lanes without turning on the lights, it can be The driver releases a stress signal such as "the other party threatens my life safety"; on the other hand, everyone is sitting in a relatively confined space in the car, unable to understand the other party's state, and lack any effective communication, our " "Ego" will evolve a lot of stories and judgments: "This person doesn't know how to drive. It's just harming others on the road! The quality is too bad! If I hadn't slammed the brakes just now, the consequences would be disastrous!" The usual script is likely to be like this: You angrily find an opportunity to catch up with the car, and when you are in a parallel position, you see a strange middle-aged man driving in the car, as if nothing had happened to the behavior just now. You will roll down the car window, make a verbal attack on it, and then throw the other person behind with a kick of the accelerator. Only then will you feel a little refreshed.
Of course, the story may also have another script: you angrily find an opportunity to catch up with the car, and when you are in a parallel position, you see that the driver is a neighbor in your community and is the mother of your child’s classmate. The other person seems to have realized that he forgot to turn on the light just now, and he took the initiative to roll down the window, smiled and greeted you humbly. Your rush of anger disappeared in an instant, and you nodded politely, as if nothing happened.
This reminds me of a story recorded in "Zhuangzi·Shanmu". There are two boats in the river, one of which is an empty boat. When they collide with each other, even the narrow-minded people will not get angry at this time. But if there is a person on that boat, it will definitely evoke a loud shout, berating the incoming boat and retreating, if the other party does not respond, it is likely to cause endless curses. The reason why I didn't lose my temper just now and now I am angry is because the boat was empty just now and there are people on board now. If a person can turn oneself into emptiness and indifferent, who can arouse your anger without thinking and wandering freely in the world? Who can hurt you?
Are you a conductor of anger?
Happiness comes from sharing, and anger is amplified by transmission. The emotion of anger is like an electric current, which can be quickly transmitted among people with conductor characteristics. The power it releases, even if it seems to solve some problems, but in most cases the collateral effect is destructive. As the saying goes, people will forget what you have said and what you have done, but they will not forget the feelings you have made them.
I graduated from teaching 10 years ago and entered the workplace for the first time. As the youngest comrade in the teaching and research section, I served as the teaching secretary. Soon there was a blind review meeting for graduate papers. I was a clerk, and I was in charge of auditing records and registering votes. After the meeting, I announced the results of the vote counting according to the normal procedures, and announced the ranking of all graduate papers supervised by the teaching and research section. After everything was done, I just wanted to take a breather, but the phone rang, and I picked up the phone. "You counted the results, right?" A questioning voice came from the other end of the phone, and I heard it was Professor Liu.
"Did someone instruct you to change the result of the counting? The student paper I brought was so well written, how come the result was just qualified?" I felt that I was greatly wronged: "No no, I did the statistics normally, and it is indeed the result. ..." "Impossible!" Before I could finish speaking, the other party hung up the phone. The colleague next to me hurriedly stood on my side and said: "It's so irritating, she won't go to the leader to ask, the student's paper is not excellent, why are you angry?!" After I listened, I felt more like myself. Is a complete victim, the scenes of grievances doubled.
The phone rang again, and the other party’s voice became more urgent: "You said, was it the result of them asking you to change?" At that moment, the anger she transmitted to me, the anger of colleagues complaining, and my own grievances burst out all at once. I suddenly yelled: "No, I didn't change the result!" Papa, I hung up the phone. Obviously, she passed the anger to me, and I took it all without thinking, believing that she came at me, and the dissatisfaction with her accumulated by other colleagues before was also smoothly passed on to my easy conductor. My reaction is "Control anger with anger." After calming down, I learned some other background information. The reason is that Professor Liu asked me to verify the matter because he suspected that other teachers were making trouble, but because of confrontation with other teachers. After this conflict, we were as polite as we always did when we met, but as if we would never return to the past, our anger left indelible traces in our mutual memories and consciousness.
All emotions have reasons and are worthy of being affirmed. Anger is okay, but what we need to pay attention to is that anger is emotion, and tantrum is behavior. This is not the same thing. No one can really enjoy the anger of others, but often regrets and regrets afterwards because of untimely anger. Therefore, when the body feels anger, the way we deal with it is the most important. Whether to be controlled by anger or to see and understand anger is the key.
To vent anger is to add fuel to the fire
We usually think that anger needs an outlet, and anger should be vented. Is it really? The psychoanalytic school believes that venting anger and being vented is identification with the attacker and identification with the victim. These two positions and two roles have their own disadvantages. You, who are accustomed to identifying with the attacker, cannot quench your anger by venting your anger. You will only become more and more hot-tempered. Your appearance and emotional state when you are angry will leave a mark in your conscious and subconscious minds, making it easier to be affected. Wake up and activate.
Psychologists at Iowa State University conducted an experiment in which 600 students were asked to write an article on abortion to express their opinions. The researcher claimed that a certain student would be asked to grade the article. In fact, the experimenters gave these articles very low scores and attached a sentence after the article: "This is the worst article I have ever read." Unsurprisingly, the students were very dissatisfied with the scores and evaluations. And angry at the fictitious raters.
Then, half of the students got a chance to vent their anger. The researchers gave them a pair of boxing gloves, and gave them a picture of the fictitious student who scored them, and told them to beat 70 punches on the sandbag while thinking about the scorer. In contrast, the other half of the students were asked to sit in a quiet room for a few minutes. After that, all students completed a standard emotional questionnaire. The main purpose of the questionnaire was to measure their degree of anger, anxiety, or frustration. The results showed that those students who put on gloves and tried their best to hit the sandbags did not reduce their anger after the fact, but were more aggressive than the control group. Judging from the research results, venting anger is tantamount to adding fuel to the fire.
When we are angry, maybe we can try to find the "angry point" so as to "empty" the anger.
On the other hand, you who are accustomed to identifying with the victim are more likely to fall into a vicious circle of being agitated by others. For example, in the example of "beginning in the workplace", I became angry because I identified with my victim role. The belief in this role caused my emotions to be agitated and eventually erupted. Now let us look at another fact. At the same time, why didn't I attack her character in my heart? When I saw the strong hatred in my heart that was as aggressive as the other person, I couldn't help laughing.
How to deal with anger
Anger is bad for both the venter and the vented, so what should we do? A better way to deal with anger is to see the source of anger, and you need to figure out what deep-rooted beliefs are behind the anger. All people who vent their anger have a wounded heart. If this injured heart can be seen and explored, the anger will naturally resolve.
Recall that every time you feel angry, there is always a deep belief behind "should/should" and "must". For example, he "should not" speak to me in this tone, and he "should not" doubt My character, wait. Find the "should/should" and "must" in your thoughts, and you will find the most important source of hatred and anger, and then use Byron Katie's homework to ask ourselves, questioning these things that we are accustomed to, without thinking, and constantly Reinforced beliefs.
For example, the belief behind the child’s father’s anger in the previous article may be that the child “should” know that throwing a ball in the house is dangerous and may break the chandelier. is this real? The child may not have noticed the chandelier on the roof, let alone the ability to throw the ball so high. We can also reverse this belief-I "should" know that throwing a ball in the house is dangerous and might break the chandelier. Yes, when I blame the child, am I also angry with myself? Seeing the child throwing the ball, why didn't I think of reminding him? However, it is obviously easier to blame the other party. By digging into the bottom of the beliefs behind the anger, you will find that the thoughts of the righteous remarks before will loosen up, and even collapse. So, is it necessary to be angry?