Many times, people do not know what the facts are, and rely on one of their own assumptions to firmly believe that the facts are like this, and emotions will follow.
"This person doesn't respect me" may just be a story you made up. If you believe the story, you will be very angry and even decide to leave the place immediately and never want to see this person again; or the anger is too strong, you may want to take revenge on this person, this person is in your heart became an "imaginary enemy".
In this example, if you're getting more and more angry, it's because you think he's disrespecting you, but that's just your opinion. Behind this view, the deeper reason is that your fragile self-esteem has been touched. The more fragile this part is, or the more traumatized this part of you is, the more likely you are to see only one possibility and the more firmly believe that This is the truth.
There are many practical possibilities. For example:
his mobile phone was stolen on the road, the thief turned off the mobile phone, and your contact information and the address of the cafe are stored in his mobile phone, so he can't find the location and can't contact you; he is temporarily busy I arrived late, and it happened that the phone was automatically shut down when it ran out of power, so I couldn’t find the location and couldn’t contact you; his phone was broken in the morning, and he needed to send the phone for repair and try to export the information in it before contacting you. on you; or can't find a cafe, etc.
There are many possibilities, but the painful emotions in the heart will cause people to narrow the width of their thinking, and they will not think about other possibilities at all. This is what people often call being controlled by emotions.
And, if people are not aware of the existence of this assumption, the assumption can easily become a fact. For example, in the things we imagined, because of your assumptions that the other party does not respect you, you may no longer respect him from now on. As a result, after he sees that you no longer respect him, he may really start to disrespect you, and assumptions become facts. This process is called projective identification in psychology.
If a person feels that he is not worthy of respect at a deeper level, and is not aware and aware of this feeling, he may unconsciously project his feelings to the other party when interacting with others, thinking that the other party is deliberately disrespecting him. . The reason for this characteristic is related to the lack of respect, care, satisfaction, and recognition in the process of growing up.
Thinking that the other party does not respect you, and then disrespecting the other party, is projecting this idea to the other party. Once the other party agrees, it will no longer respect the person. The idea becomes a fact, and then the person recognizes the fact back, that is, the other person really does It is disrespectful to himself, which further strengthens the previous inner feeling.
This is a fatalistic relationship model. The prototype is the childhood relationship with the nurturer, which is deeply hidden in the hearts of many people. Once interacting with others, it is easy to use projective identification in the relationship with others. It reproduces the relationship pattern of childhood.
If you want to get rid of this fatal relationship mode, you must first be aware of this mode, and then you can jump out of the mode. Here we say that seeing one's own assumptions means being aware of patterns.
Hypothetical emotions like this are common in our lives. For example:
a girl calls her boyfriend, but he doesn't answer, she is very angry, thinking that the boyfriend doesn't care about her enough.
When a boy saw his girlfriend talking and laughing with another man, and the relationship was very close, he was very angry, thinking that the two of them had an unusual relationship.
When a woman was on the phone with her husband who was away on a business trip at night, she was very angry when she heard the voice of a woman beside her, thinking that there was a woman outside her husband.
When an employee sees that the leader is always looking at his workstation, he is very nervous, thinking that the leader is monitoring his work...
There are countless examples of this.
In fact, in many cases, people do not know what the facts are, and rely on one of their own assumptions to firmly believe that the facts are like this, and emotions will follow. If it turns out later that it's not what you thought it was, you'll find yourself being deceived by your emotions and just making irrational assumptions naturally.
Of course, when people analyze things, they always make assumptions, and then test the assumptions, and then get the truth of things. The problem here is that a lot of times people don't test their assumptions, they think their assumptions are true, and they get emotional and screw things up.
People will make assumptions, but what kind of assumptions a person will make is often related to the person's psychological characteristics and relationship patterns.
A girl who takes her boyfriend seriously or not will tend to assume that her boyfriend doesn't care about her when she doesn't answer the phone.
Men who don't trust their girlfriends, or who don't have confidence in themselves, will easily assume that their girlfriends like other men when they see their girlfriends with other men.
A woman who doesn't trust her husband and doesn't have self-confidence in herself will easily assume that the woman's voice over her husband's phone is from her husband's lover.
Employees who are not confident in themselves and especially care about their leaders' opinions tend to assume that their leaders are always watching them.
The same fact happens in different people's lives, and people make different assumptions, because each person has a different vulnerable part of his heart and feels and thinks about things differently. People who make false assumptions are usually influenced by vulnerable parts of the heart, such as fear and pain.
Many psychological tests are performed using this principle, such as the inkblot test. What was placed in front of the subjects was a pile of random ink blots, and different people saw different things.
Some people see butterflies, some people see bats, some people see internal organs, and some people see devils. In fact, it is nothing but a mass of ink, which has no meaning in itself. What people see are their own assumptions, or inner projections. Since people's assumptions are often related to their own psychological characteristics, psychologists can understand the psychological characteristics of the person through the assumptions of the subjects.
These hypothetical emotions, as long as they are not verified and what the facts are, are primitive, irrational, and need to be managed.
The more vulnerable a person is, the more likely they are to have such assumptions, and the more emotions they will have. There is an old saying: "There is nothing in the world, and the mediocre people disturb themselves." The so-called "mediocre people" are actually people with more inner trauma and more vulnerability.
Most of the emotions of most people are caused by their own assumptions. The so-called enemy in their hearts is just an "imaginary enemy" that they have assumed.
Seeing this, please also think about it. Could this be the reason why you were angry the last time?
Many misunderstandings between people in life are also caused by such assumptions. These emotions are really primitive and irrational, even redundant.
For example: in the era when mobile payment was not so convenient, a friend had dinner with you. It was originally his treat, but when he paid the bill, he said he forgot his wallet.
At this time, you can make up stories and make assumptions, and different assumptions and different versions of the story will cause you to have different emotions towards him.
Of course, the content written in the above table is also my assumption. Different people may have different assumptions and different emotions.
Since your emotions will be the same as others when faced with the same thing, your emotions cannot simply be said to be the direct responsibility of the other party, but are ultimately caused by your own assumptions.
Therefore, we must learn to manage this emotion caused by assumptions, so that we can enjoy life more peacefully, instead of constantly making up stories to piss ourselves off.