Those who are afraid of being treated tenderly

   My ex-boyfriend once gave me a music box, which I threw in the utility room after the breakup. I cleaned up today and found that the music box had a hidden compartment with two thousand dollars in it. I was a little surprised and a little sad. My mother said: "You two have been separated for so long, so why do you want to spend the money? Just leave it.” I thought about it, and gave her five hundred. I went shopping to buy clothes. Later, when I got home, I saw her cooking braised pork in the kitchen. I said, “I will go shopping after eating. Buy a pair of shoes.” At this moment, I felt that I might have made a mistake because my dad was looking at me gnashing his teeth in the living room.

  The name "Golden Flower" was so famous when I was in junior high school.

  Legend has it that she will punish herself for not eating lunch for a week as long as there is no difference of 20 points between each exam and the second grade.

  In fact, this is a misunderstanding. She doesn't usually eat lunch, it should be to save money. I often see teachers yelling her aside after class, secretly stuffing their meal ticket into her hand.

  Whenever the grade commendation meeting, the principal’s opening remarks are often: Golden Flower, as the name suggests, it is a golden flower of our grade. It is shining and blooming like a flower. There was a burst of warm applause from the audience. At that time, I was sitting in the audience, a typical scumbag.

  I saw a tall and thin girl, confidently stepping onto the podium, a black and long pony tail swaying tirelessly from side to side behind her head, and her whole body was full of arrogance.

  At that time, I thought that there was a galaxy between Xueba and Xueba, and in the monotonous and boring student life, it was almost impossible to overlap. Unexpectedly, we went to the same high school later, were put into the same class, and became the same table. "It should be because the high school entrance examination is too tight, so I played abnormally." This was the only reason I could think of at the time.

  The biggest feeling of being at the same table with Xueba is that I have a deeper understanding of the meaning of the saying that distance produces beauty. I originally thought that Xueba was a person with his own halo, wrapped in an admiring gaze, surrounded by a group of people asking questions.

  But my tablemate is an exception. She likes to be alone. Others go to the cafeteria to eat in groups. She always waits for the cafeteria to halve before going there alone. If you call her, she will always respond lukewarm. "You go first", he lowered his head and stopped talking. Occasionally someone wanted to approach her and ask her questions, but when she saw her frowning and unwilling to be disturbed, the person flinched back.

  Once, I took a long vacation and dropped out of class. I wanted to borrow her notes and muster up the courage to make some eye contact opportunities. Just when I wanted to speak, she dodged her head and turned her head away, as if saying, "Don’t talk to you." T".

  When the words reached my lips, I swallowed it back, thinking "this man is too arrogant, what's so great". Then he raised his head high, turned around and borrowed notes from the classmates in the back seat.

  Strangely, she is alone, but I can't feel her loneliness, maybe it's because she enjoys this aloof state.

  Until one time, when I went back to the classroom, I just wanted to sit down and found that there was a thick stack of post-it notes on the ground. It was the one she usually wrote. I picked it up and accidentally found a page written in bold black font. With one sentence: "I really envy them being together crazy and crazy all day long!" Suddenly I felt a little bit sour. That was the first time I felt her temperature.

  Later, I decided to take the initiative to show her good and challenge her aloofness.

  After class, in order to have dinner with her, I deliberately stayed and waited for her, took the initiative to share my snacks with her, and frequently asked her about math problems, so as to narrow the distance between each other. Unexpectedly, she did not refuse, and all these "good gestures" worked.

  Gradually, I learned more and more about her. It turns out that she didn't come to this high school because of the abnormal performance in the high school entrance examination, but because the school promised to waive all her tuition fees and give her additional subsidies.

  She comes from a single-parent family and has never seen her mother since she was 6 years old. She has lived with her father since she was a child.

  One winter, the first snow fell earlier than in previous years. The temperature dropped sharply and the cold wave hit. A group of students who lived in school were caught off guard and called home to send the quilt over as soon as possible. When we were all covered with thick quilts, there was only a thin autumn quilt on her bed. I convinced her and I to squeeze in the same bed and spend a few nights.

  At noon the next day, a small, rickety old man carrying a bulging army bag on his back asked around, led by other classmates to the door of our dormitory, the man shouted: "Jinhua, your grandfather is looking for you. "

  I looked up and noticed the same complicated expressions on their faces. The old man took out a crumpled fifty yuan from his pocket and stuffed it into her hand, put down the quilt, and left.

  I knew that it was her father, who was less than 50 years old. From his face, you can tell that life is not gentle to them.

  In order to let her feel more warmth that winter, I decided to do her best. When I returned to school, I brought an extra snack made by my mother from home and stuffed it into her hand and said, "This is something my mother made for us specially. It is very delicious." At first, she always refused, I thought She was just embarrassed to accept it. Later, she didn't decline or say a word of thanks. I thought she was just not good at expressing it.

  I talked to my parents about her situation. They all wanted to invite her to my house and entertain her well, so I invited her the following weekend. After arriving at my house, after greeting my parents, she sat on the sofa alone and watched TV.

  My parents and I were in the kitchen talking about people and things in school. When it came to fun things in the class, she could have joined us, but she didn't say anything and kept staring at the TV.

  At the dinner table, she bowed her head nervously to eat, and she seemed to be reluctant to smile after asking and answering the questions that parents threw. Before leaving home, my parents told me that your friend looked like something unhappy, so you should talk to her.

  On the bus back to school, she stared at the depressed scene outside the window in a daze. After a long time, she turned her head and said to me: "I'm sorry, I feel that my performance at your house today is not very good. Do you know? Others? Careful kindness will make me feel uncomfortable. Since junior high school, the teacher will secretly give me a meal ticket. At first I was very touched, but later found out that my classmates always look at me with a strange look. You and your family are right. I am so good, I am very grateful, but I don't know why, thinking that I have been treated specially, I will always feel sad." After she finished, her eyes were red.

  At that time, I suddenly understood why she was obviously a very soft person, but she was always indifferent and arrogant. In fact, I know that she needs love very much. But people need not only love, but also self-esteem. Whether she pretends to be indifferent or tries to become the first place, it is all for the qualification of "not being sympathized" for herself.

  "You know, this is the first time I have brought my classmates home for dinner. At first, I did think that your family situation might not be very good and wanted to help you. But I quickly rejected this idea because You are a good, hearty and delicate person. You will definitely have a better life. You are worthy. Those embarrassments are only temporary for you. Even so, I still want to be nice to you. This is not out of the question. For sympathy, I just want to be better with the people I recognize. So in the future, I still want to invite you to my house, not because I think you need it, but because I think you are worth it, okay?"

  She laughed , Nodded. Many people in this world, because they have endured more suffering than ordinary people, have formed a psychological defense mechanism, in order not to be sympathetic, but afraid of being treated gently. If you have friends like this, I hope you can tell them that I treat you well, not because I think you need it, but because you are worth it.



Zeigarnik effect

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