When you first form a relationship with you, a person with a pleasing personality will be super enthusiastic, super able to give, or have super good evaluations of you. If you encounter such a person, it is best to be a little guarded, because they can easily be super disappointed, have super bad reviews, or even have super hatred of you.
The deep meaning of this logic is: I am super good, so you can't refuse me; you are super good, so you can't refuse me. This is the fear of rejection. Once there is a message of refusal in the relationship, there will be "bad" out, and the "bad" must be eliminated, so destructiveness is derived.
At this time, you need to keep a proper distance from him so that he can feel the existence of distance from the beginning. Otherwise, if you cater to him and give him an illusion, so that he feels that you are very close to him, even like a relative, then he will be easily injured and even furious when you want to distance yourself.
Being blind and generous will not exchange respect. Because, at this time, you are allowing the other party to exploit you, and the relationship between exploitation and being exploited is easy for the exploiter to perceive as "I am stronger than you." For example, a lady who is too eager to exploit others said: "Who treats me well, I will despise him." After thinking about it, she made a very reasonable point, because those who are good to her often let their boundaries Invaded, dignity violated. This kind of goodness is indeed weak and powerless, which makes people look down upon. So, if you treat others with weakness, don't expect to get their love and respect. On the contrary, you are easily despised and exploited.
People who please you too much are hard to get along with in the end. They are like lending money and will find ways to recover them, and because they will magnify their own value, they sometimes become "loan sharks."
Rules, boundaries and agreements are very important. Living in a contract with clear boundaries is a refreshing feeling. On the contrary, everything is done in the name of morality, which is often for exploitation, and it is sticky and chaotic.
People who easily meet the requirements of others are often those who cannot make even a single request. In their hearts there is an inner child who is always rejected, which makes them afraid to ask, because being rejected will cause a strong sense of shame and even want to die. Invisibly, they will also project this inner child onto others. Therefore, one cannot reject others. On the one hand, it is pitiful for others, and on the other hand, it is felt that once you reject the other party, there will be endless hatred.
Therefore, things always come in pairs. A person who always pretends to be a saint will find someone who is always making demands and seldom grateful. In this way, the inner contradiction of the saint becomes a real contradiction. By adjusting the contradictions of reality, you can adjust your heart, although it is not easy.
This kind of relationship can be maintained because in addition to sticking to each other and torturing each other, the person who is easy to ask can rush out and ask the world to open up their situation; the person who pretends to be a saint can better Clean up the situation and become a stabilizer in their world.
Sensible, perhaps deep despair, is the despair that a child feels that his parents (initially a mother or first caregiver) cannot hear his own voice anyway, or perhaps a deep fear—what the parents say "Don’t make trouble, don’t make trouble, it makes us unfair."
If the child encounters frustration outside and goes home, he will feel that he has nowhere to go and will fall into despair. In rare cases, despair can make him feel like a rock. This toughness allows him to survive in society, but it hurts the child deeply.
Too easy to apologize, too easy to feel guilty, too easy to say "sorry", its function is to avoid being attacked by the other party. But this also "closes" the space for the other party to express dissatisfaction, and a true and full relationship requires both parties to adhere to their own positions and communicate on this basis. So, if you are such a person, you can try not to apologize in a hurry, to make the relationship more tense, and let the dissatisfaction and hostility between the other party and you flow.
The biggest failure of super good people is in their relationship. Good people hide this logic: I have given everything for you, and you have to love me. This desire for love will naturally reach its peak in a relationship. However, the fundamental logic of a partnership is intimacy. Intimacy can only be achieved through truthfulness and openness, but giving does not have this effect. Moreover, the goodness of a good person actually hides a fundamental defense: the real me is "bad" and no one loves me; if I want to be loved, I must abandon my true self and become a good person. But this good man is false. In the face of a false person, we cannot have love and intimacy with him. Therefore, the better the good people, the more distant their relationship with their partners. We must keep this in mind: Being good to others can win recognition and respect, but if we want to be intimate with others, there is only one way-truth and openness.